May 2023 Note - this is a draft I never published from about a year ago. Fairly recently I posted something about imperfection in D/s, and yesterday someone was talking to me about meta-talks and it got me thinking about how we don’t really see examples of the somewhat awkward communication that has to happen in D/s sometimes…and it reminded me of this draft that included us walking through some incorrect assumptions and a bit of awkwardness that I could share for the sake of a ‘real life’ example.
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We still miscommunicate sometimes.
During sex CD had said some things to me that resulted in me laughing briefly and then moaning. I sort of forget the exact details, but I think it included things like “You just moaned while licking my balls.” and “You like helping me get off more than you like to orgasm, don’t you?”
When we were cuddling after sex he said he wasn’t 100% sure what that laugh/moan response was about, but that his guess was that I was laughing in shock/surprise and that I was a little embarrassed, but that I liked it.
I gave a bashful, giggly response, I forget exactly what I said - maybe ‘whatt? No…” whatever it was that I said, I was clearly pretending he was wrong. This was my way of telling him he was right without having to outright admit it.
I could tell he understood I was saying yes. He asked me to explain why I laugh. At first I playfully said I couldn’t tell him, but he said “It would please me if you told me…” which cut through my bashful mood and made me want to try to give him a good answer.
So I took a moment to consider it and then tried my best to explain. I said I’m not shocked, exactly - because I always know from the tone of his voice when he’s going to say something to embarrass me, but it’s still just a bit…overwhelming. So the laughter is out of feeling a bit overwhelmed, not in a bad way but it’s just intense so I need release, and it comes out as a laugh…but then after I get that release from the intensity, I’m able to just feel the pleasure which causes the moan.
He said soon we’d try doing it but without me being allowed to laugh. I gasped, in a silly way “I can’t though!”
“You won’t have a choice.” he said.
Anxiety hit me and I fell quiet. I knew he wouldn’t say that if he knew I was seriously worried about not being able to do that. I knew my silliness made him read it differently than I meant it. He asked what was wrong.
“I really don’t know if I can not laugh.”
“You don’t think you can try it?” he asked, genuinely curious, not pressuring.
“Oh, no! I could try! I just got worried that I’ll fail.”
“Well, then we’ll just try.” He paused briefly. “That won’t make you feel dominated though, will it?”
I explained that anytime I do something uncomfortable for me to try to please him, it feels dominating to me. Not in the same “in your face” way as much of the rest of what we do in the bedroom…but it definitely still makes me feel submissive. He said that totally made sense, and he appreciated hearing that perspective, he just hadn’t thought of it like that. I could tell he found the concept more titillating from this new perspective, too.
I realized that while our overall power exchange involves a lot of discussion, our power exchange in the bedroom is usually rather cut and dry. He tells me what to do, and I do it. Or he will just physically take charge and do as he wishes without speaking (always within my limits, of course). So usually, our sexual power exchange is very blunt and direct with him clearly 100% in charge and calling the shots, there isn’t much gray area. There isn’t much ‘if you can’ or ‘if you want to’ or similar. We tend to prefer discussing sexual preferences in discussions outside of when we’re experiencing them, so that during sex or play he can just give instructions/orders/demands or physically does what he wishes without discussion or gray area.
Outside of the bedroom we have lots of discussions that involve negotiating in the moment, or input from both of us, or more “if you can” type instructions rather than black and white orders. We just aren’t as used to that kind of ‘gray’ D/s happening in the bedroom.
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I tried to apologize to him for getting anxious about it. He said being anxious isn’t something to be sorry for. He started to say he did wish I would have said something - but he stopped himself, saying I actually did try to say something, he just didn’t understand that I was serious. None of it mattered anymore, we had worked through it and our emotional intimacy was completely restored already.
“You might have a hard time with it at first, but I bet it time you’ll randomly find that you’re able to do it one day without laughing…and you’ll see how happy it makes me, and then it’ll be easier for you after that.”
I laughed in my overwhelmed-with-facing-the-truth way.
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